I find it very interesting to look back on my blogs and see the flaws in my thought patterns, the bizarre shifts in my moods, the goals I’ve set and never quite accomplished. The other day I went back to Xanga (Remember Xanga?! It was forever ago!) and looked at my posts from there as well. Same thing. My thought patterns are just screwy and I become overly passionate about something only to lose interest a short while later and move onto the next thing that piques my interest.

I find it even more interesting to look back at those things now, now that I have gotten this wrench thrown into my plans. This wrench is called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s what I’ve been recently diagnosed with and it’s not something I’m ashamed of, and it’s not something I’m going to hide from people. It’s just that my natural defense mechanisms are awfully strong (and unrealistic and far from understandable sometimes). I think if I hide it and am ashamed of it I will never get better.

I was HAPPY when I got this diagnosis. See, I’ve always felt a little out of control. I’ve always felt like the reason only very few people understood me when I would rationalize my actions was only because I wasn’t speaking correctly. I didn’t have the vocabulary to express myself in a way that was clear to others. I was just unable to make my point, and NO ONE understood me! It made me feel rather stupid, as if I was trying to speak French and my listeners only understood Spanish. However, this diagnosis gives me REASONS for feeling misunderstood, for feeling out of control. The reason I was always misunderstood is because the point I was trying to convey made not a lick of sense! The reason I’ve felt out of control is because I like to keep such a tight grasp on myself. I like to have an incredibly predictable future. I like to CONTROL myself and my surroundings, but no matter how hard a person tries, they will never ever be able to control everything. The unexpected happens and I become devastated because I lost control of the situation.

So, here I am. I know where my issues are, and I know how to fix them now.

It is going to take me many years of behavioral therapy before I’m able to master my own brain, but now the healing can begin, and I’m SO ready for it.

My husband has put up with a lot from me. I mean, a lot. I suppose this is where the “in sickness and in health…” part of our vows come in. He has been on my side even when I’ve been a nasty person to him. He supports me in my decisions. He gently coaxes me into the right direction when I’m straying off the path I need to be in. He listens to me when I babble about things that make no sense at all, and (bless his heart) he even tries to understand me. He gives me “sick days” when I’m not necessarily sick (just overwhelmed with anxiety). I don’t know how I have ever thought I’d be better without him. I don’t understand that, but I do understand that he loves me. I love him too. I think once I get better, I’d love to renew my vows to this man who has shown me what real committment is.

Just when I think I have encountered more pain in life than any one person should be allowed, something else reminds me that pain is just a necessary and important part of life.

1.) Without pain, pleasure wouldn’t feel so sweet.
2.) Pain causes us to be honest.
3.) Pain builds strength.

Chew on that for a moment. Really, mull it over and let it settle because it’s so very important for you to know those things. I’ll be here waiting for you while you do that.

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Are you still thinking?
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Okay. Got it? Let me explain what these things mean to me:

Without pain, pleasure could not possibly feel so sweet.
About a week ago I was steaming some broccoli. When it came out of the microwave I took the saran wrap off the top and was taken by surprise by the billows of steam that poured from the bowl. (Insert facepalm here). While I didn’t have 3rd degree burns or anything, it hurt SO BAD. When I put my hand under cold water it was the best feeling I could have hoped for in that moment. Lets pretend that I DIDN’T burn my hand and just decided to put it under the faucet. Do you think I would have appreciated it? Nope. So, when you are really “in it”, when you can’t feel anything but pain, when you can’t get out of bed, when you have no words to say, and no more tears to cry try to remember that when you feel good again, you will feel like celebrating with gusto. I promise you. You will laugh again, and when you laugh it will be the kind of laugh that makes you cry and makes your abs feel like you just knocked out 100 crunches.

Pain causes us to be honest.
I saw this prose the other day that explained how honesty is so beautiful.

So many of us go through life trying to be something that we really are not. One time, Many times, I’ve tried to be perfect. That didn’t work so well, because honestly: I’m a MESS! Not literally. I keep the house decent. But emotionally, I am one margarita away from an ugly meltdown at all times. I am so very far from perfect. To pretend to be anything else is EXHAUSTING to me! It’s dishonest and it’s unfair to myself and to anyone who wants to know me, but there’s still part of me that wants to look like I’ve got it all together. People, let me tell ya’, I’ve been in pain. So much pain. It’s been debilitating. It’s like someone cut off my foot. It hurts. I’ve been grinning and bearing it. Yesterday I decided to just give in to it. I had one of the most honest moments of my life. I curled up in my bed. I tucked me knees up to my chest. I let the tears fall. I screamed from my toes up to my lungs. I let myself let go because I just couldn’t hold onto it anymore. After I had drowned myself in used up kleenex and the tears stopped running and I could stand without falling I felt alive. I am beautifully flawed, and to be honest with myself means to accept those flaws about myself. Honesty is refreshing. Honesty is just so damn beautiful.

Pain brings strength.
Last year I decided I was going to go to the gym with my friend Elizabeth. We hired a personal trainer named Ben. On the first day, Ben wanted to see what I could do so that he could set up a plan for me. He had me do lunges and a plank and pull ups and push ups and sit ups and he had me run. I was SO bad. I did 10 lunges before I wanted to quit. I couldn’t plank for more than 10 seconds. I could do pull-ups but only when I was assisted to the point that I wasn’t ACTUALLY doing any work. Sit ups were awful and running was just not happening. I was OUT OF SHAPE. For real! The next day my body hurt so badly that I couldn’t even walk down the stairs without moaning and groaning. For the next few months Elizabeth and I worked out with Ben twice a week. In those few months I learned how to do pull ups correctly. My arms were becoming strong enough to lift me. I could lunge up and down the basketball court several times without issue. When I was lifting weights I asked for more weight to be added. I was getting strong. I could feel it. The days after our time with Ben my body was sore. Ben kicked my ass. Ben was a great trainer because he knew it took pain to gain strength. Your body, your mind, and your heart are no different in this regard. When pain is just in the cards for you, realize that you will benefit from it. If you let it, it will make you strong and I’m realizing just how strong my heart and mind are right about now. I need to never let this strength die. It’s an important part of who I am.

That’s my unprofessional two cents right there. Take it or leave it.

Well, the husband is back and it is absolutely wonderful.
I’ve been in a funk, though.
It’s absolutely difficult to have full control of everything, finances, discipline, scheduling, the remote control, etc for a full year and then just learn how to divvy everything up evenly between the both of us again.
I’ve been struggling with this and I have been very anxiety-driven about all of it.
I can’t say why, because I don’t know why.
When anxiety wants to be there, it will be there.
There’s no telling when it will show up, and there’s no way of knowing when it will decide to leave.
I’ve been a different person since Scott has come home, but he’s been supportive of me and sweet and patient and he has kind words for me when i don’t deserve them.
He really is too good for me.
I hit the jackpot when I married him.
Yesterday I got to sleep in and I got breakfast in bed.
This morning in my pre-coffee, grumpy, ugly-acting mood, I got a morning kiss and a “Don’t worry, I’ll take them to school…”
How did I do this without him?
I love that man.
Image

Well, the husband is back and it is absolutely wonderful.
I’ve been in a funk, though.
It’s absolutely difficult to have full control of everything, finances, discipline, scheduling, the remote control, etc for a full year and then just learn how to divvy everything up evenly between the both of us again.
I’ve been struggling with this and I have been very anxiety-driven about all of it.
I can’t say why, because I don’t know why.
When anxiety wants to be there, it will be there.
There’s no telling when it will show up, and there’s no way of knowing when it will decide to leave.
I’ve been a different person since Scott has come home, but he’s been supportive of me and sweet and patient and he has kind words for me when i don’t deserve them.
He really is too good for me.
I hit the jackpot when I married him.
Yesterday I got to sleep in and I got breakfast in bed.
This morning in my pre-coffee, grumpy, ugly-acting mood, I got a morning kiss and a “Don’t worry, I’ll take them to school…”
How did I do this without him?
I love that man.
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…and I feel like there will be a flood of tears and emotion once I see you.

Will you mind if I pass the weight of the world from my shoulders all onto yours for a moment?

All the feelings I’ve been ignoring and bottling up for fear of breaking down, cracking, and not being available for the children will pour out.

I can imagine the feeling of relief from knowing I’m not alone anymore will be an overwhelming force.

This has all been good for me, but it has been the most difficult thing I have ever, ever done. Does it get harder than this?

It probably does, and now I’m at least a little prepared for it.

Come home. Come home, love. We are ready!

…and won’t you please kiss me like this?

 

All day Jacob has had an attitude with me. He’s been more moody than usual and he actually cried at dinnertime. I couldn’t get him to calm down so I sent him to his room for a breather. I felt that maybe he was getting a little bit overstimulated with the baby fussing and Christina and Aden singing nursery rhymes at the top of their lungs. So after about 5 minutes I went up to Jacob’s room with him and he was still crying.

It was a heartbreaking cry. After I got him to cheer up by acting like a goof for all of about 10 minutes we had a conversation. It went like this:

Me: Jacob, you’ve been upset all day. What’s going on in your head?
Jacob: Nothing. I’m just sad.
Me: Why would you be sad?
Jacob: Dad’s gone and I miss him.
Me: I miss him too.
Jacob: Yeah, but I don’t think you know what I know about dad.
Me: …I’m a bit confused. What are you talking about?
Jacob: Dad is probably going to die.
Me: Well, I just don’t think that’s the truth. Where did you hear that?
Jacob: Someone at school told me that their dad is where my dad is at and that they both will probably die.
Me: I think your friend was misinformed. Your dad is safe.
Jacob: Yeah, but I haven’t seen him in so long and I want to see him before he dies. I would also tell him that I miss him and I love him.
Me: *blank* *I have NO idea what to say to that* Jacob, your dad is safe, and don’t you think he’s a good soldier?
Jacob: Yeah. I’ve seen him shoot a gun before!
Me: Yep! He knows his job, and he’s good at it! He’s gone through a LOT of training just so that he knows how to do his job well and avoid situations that are very dangerous, and if he DOES find himself in a dangerous situation, he’s been through a LOT of training so that he knows how to safely get out of it.
Jacob: I miss him.
Me: Me too. He doesn’t want to be away from us, but he is doing it so that we are taken care of here at home. Does that make sense?
Jacob: Not really, but every time you explain it to me I still don’t understand it. I’m hungry, though.

…and so we went back to eat our food.

I have no idea what I’m doing here. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually up the creek without a paddle. I’ve gotten myself into something that I just don’t know how to maneuver. I miss Scott so badly. I needed him there in that room with me, because I can’t comfort someone who’s got the same issues that I am facing and still haven’t figured out. Everything I said was reassurance to myself more than anything. I’m glad it helped Jacob, but it didn’t really work for me.

Maybe some help from someone? How do I do this? How do I discuss these things with my kids? I can’t say “He’s not going to die.”, because we don’t know that.

Scott, if you’re reading this: know that we miss you terribly. We all worry about you, and we love you more than words could ever say. I need your help back home, so you’d better come back safely.

Dear Aden,

You are sweet, but you are not too sweet ignore that you need a swift swat on the bum.

Have you not heard Owen crying all day long? Did you not realize that I had been fighting Owen to go to sleep since 5 pm? Maybe you forgot that your bedroom wall is immediately beside Owen’s crib. Maybe you forgot that I had put him down to sleep an hour ago when you thought it would be a great idea to pound on that wall with your fists and feet instead of sleep.

I don’t know what was going through your mind, but my plans for a bath tonight before bed have just been shot completely.

I love you always, but I just don’t feel it right now.

It would be wise to greet me with an “I love you” in the morning, lest I remain bitter at you all day long.

Sincerely,
Mom

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