I find it very interesting to look back on my blogs and see the flaws in my thought patterns, the bizarre shifts in my moods, the goals I’ve set and never quite accomplished. The other day I went back to Xanga (Remember Xanga?! It was forever ago!) and looked at my posts from there as well. Same thing. My thought patterns are just screwy and I become overly passionate about something only to lose interest a short while later and move onto the next thing that piques my interest.
I find it even more interesting to look back at those things now, now that I have gotten this wrench thrown into my plans. This wrench is called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s what I’ve been recently diagnosed with and it’s not something I’m ashamed of, and it’s not something I’m going to hide from people. It’s just that my natural defense mechanisms are awfully strong (and unrealistic and far from understandable sometimes). I think if I hide it and am ashamed of it I will never get better.
I was HAPPY when I got this diagnosis. See, I’ve always felt a little out of control. I’ve always felt like the reason only very few people understood me when I would rationalize my actions was only because I wasn’t speaking correctly. I didn’t have the vocabulary to express myself in a way that was clear to others. I was just unable to make my point, and NO ONE understood me! It made me feel rather stupid, as if I was trying to speak French and my listeners only understood Spanish. However, this diagnosis gives me REASONS for feeling misunderstood, for feeling out of control. The reason I was always misunderstood is because the point I was trying to convey made not a lick of sense! The reason I’ve felt out of control is because I like to keep such a tight grasp on myself. I like to have an incredibly predictable future. I like to CONTROL myself and my surroundings, but no matter how hard a person tries, they will never ever be able to control everything. The unexpected happens and I become devastated because I lost control of the situation.
So, here I am. I know where my issues are, and I know how to fix them now.
It is going to take me many years of behavioral therapy before I’m able to master my own brain, but now the healing can begin, and I’m SO ready for it.
My husband has put up with a lot from me. I mean, a lot. I suppose this is where the “in sickness and in health…” part of our vows come in. He has been on my side even when I’ve been a nasty person to him. He supports me in my decisions. He gently coaxes me into the right direction when I’m straying off the path I need to be in. He listens to me when I babble about things that make no sense at all, and (bless his heart) he even tries to understand me. He gives me “sick days” when I’m not necessarily sick (just overwhelmed with anxiety). I don’t know how I have ever thought I’d be better without him. I don’t understand that, but I do understand that he loves me. I love him too. I think once I get better, I’d love to renew my vows to this man who has shown me what real committment is.