Scott is my husband, and he has been for umm… 10 months? 9? I don’t know. Our anniversary is March 18th. You do the math. My brain is fried. No math for me, thank you! Our brand new baby isn’t quite 3 months old yet. If you did the math that would leave you to believe that we got married because I got pregnant. If that’s what you assumed, you’d be correct. We had both gotten out of awful marriages the year before and were not at all interested in getting into that business again.

I was making spaghetti for dinner one night using Prego sauce, I love Prego. Well, Scott made a joke changing “Prego” to “preggo”. Ha.Ha. Normally I would have given the joke a giggle or some other girlishly appropriate response. Instead, I looked like a deer in the headlights and I think I may have had a tear roll down my cheek. I was trying to deny the fact that I was PROBABLY pregnant and that joke shook me into reality. Ugh. There are no words to describe the way I felt at that moment. Should I bring it up with him if I don’t know for sure? Will he stay with me? Will he be angry? What am I going to do? Can I REALLY be a mother? How did I let this happen? Would I marry Scott? That’s the only question I knew the answer to. NO! I would NOT marry someone just because I’m having their baby. No way, no how.

Fast forward a few days later. I had taken 2 pregnancy tests and both were positive. I told him. If he was angry, he didn’t let me know it. He held me when I cried. That meant so much, because I always prepare for the worst and I imagined I’d be crying myself to sleep without him.

A few tense days after that we were prepared to discuss what we were going to do about all of this. I was adamant that we were NOT going to get married. Being the romantic guy that he is, Scott proposed to me using a very thorough pros and cons list for getting married. “So, are we going to do this?” The ball was in my court. No decision is the right one and no decision was the wrong one. My head was swelling with what ifs and uncertainty. I felt my legs become shaky and unreliable.  This moment came with so much fear and sadness. Fear and sadness is what marriage represented to me. I held my breath, said a prayer, then….. I said yes. I immediately felt relieved. The multitude of bricks that I’d been throwing on my back for the last week disappeared and I imagine this is what peace feels like. The “Yes” was quickly followed with “but if we are going to do this, we are going to do this well. We are going to jump in with both feet and do this right because I’m not getting divorced again.”

That was the best decision I have ever made. I married a man who I barely knew, and he has turned out to be the most amazing man for me. He is my rock and my comfort. He is my best friend and I cannot even remember how I lived life without him. He is an excellent father to the kids and a great husband to me. Scott makes my life wonderful.

He’s been deployed for 2 months and I miss him like I’d miss my right arm. This feeling is exaggerated right now because he and I haven’t had a proper conversation in almost a week. I worry about him and I always imagine the most awful things. I imagine someone from his company’s rear detachment knocking on my door to tell me that he has a fatal wound or that he and his troops have been captured. I imagine my reaction to these things, and I imagine telling the kids. I drive myself absolutely insane with these thoughts. I simply cannot stop these awful things from floating through my head when it has been a while since I have talked to him. Instead of letting myself get too deep into this thought process, I thought I’d reminisce about that evening in the kitchen with him and a pros and cons list.

Thanks for listening, blog.

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