The reason I started a blog is because I was feeling so stressed with regular day-to-day activities and was feeling quite negative about… well, about everything. My Facebook posts were getting quite depressing. I figured that if I used my blog as my catharsis my Facebook would remain relatively positive. I haven’t really used this blog to vent and pour it all out, therefore my Facebook is still littered with half-thought out status messages and things that make me feel hurt deep down in my heart. I think my heart is settled enough for now that I can write out these feelings without turning it into a pity party.

First of all, I think I might be dealing with some postpartum depression. I knew I should have prepared for it. I’ve got a history with depression. A psychologist once told me that he was considering diagnosing me as bi-polar… I don’t believe I am. Who knows? Aside from the tendency to fall into depressive states, my life right now isn’t exactly Candyland. With a deployed husband, 3 step-children, and an infant that I’m still learning to care for my stress levels are generally through the roof! I was telling Scott a couple of weeks ago that I can thrive in any situation. Even when they suck. I just get used to that level of suck and if it gets worse, I just need a little more adjustment time and then I’m used to this new higher level of suck. This is true, but I feel like things just keep getting more and more challenging at a pace that I am having a very difficult time adjusting to it. My stamina is running out and we are only 2 months into this deployment.

Loneliness is something I’m dealing with rather heavily right now. I want my companion back. After a difficult day or even an excellent day it’s so relaxing to wind down with Scott. We watch TV or mess around on the computer and just being with him is an instant decompression. 75% of our communication happens once we get to bed. It’s common for us to go to bed and stay awake talking about anything and everything until we notice the clock says its past midnight… even then we sometimes still talk. I miss that. My best friend is gone. After my difficult days I fall asleep alone, no decompression, no talking.

The last few weeks I’ve been so angry with Scott. Why? I guess it’s because he’s not here. He’s not here to fill out the BOOKS of paperwork for the children’s schools. He’s not here to shovel our driveway. He can’t hold the baby while I cook dinner. He’s not here to help me discipline the children. He’s not here for me to bounce ideas off of. He’s not here to take out the trash or do the laundry or hold the baby when he cries. He’s not here to fix the computer for the kids. He’s not here for me and that’s what I’m angry about. I hear from him and find that he woke up at 9 am and I get angry about that since it’s been over a year since I’ve slept past 9 am. It makes me feel like he thinks he’s on vacation… like he doesn’t WANT to be here for me to help take care of the day-to-day craziness. He’s been going to the gym and working out. I’m jealous about that because it was one of my goals to get in shape before he comes home. It’s not going to happen. It’s just not. I don’t have time to wipe my own butt. How am I going to find time to work out? and when i find the time to do it, what am I going to do with the kids? I am angry that he’s able to better himself while he’s gone and I won’t be able to do the same for him. I fear that he will come home and be disappointed in my appearance just like I am.

This anger is really getting to me. Today I sent him a message instructing him to not call me because I didn’t want to talk to him. That wasn’t true. I did want to talk to him, but I wanted to take a passive aggressive jab at him and maybe hurt him as much as I am hurting. That’s just not fair to him. He’s doing his job. Him being gone is the very reason that the kids and I have food on our table, a roof over our heads, nice clothes, insurance, a vehicle, tv and internet, diapers and formula. More than that, he’s not on vacation. He likes me to think he is because he doesn’t want to worry me with the reality of the situations he has to deal with. (Scott, if you’re reading this: I’d much rather know that you are struggling as much as I am, because I’m rude like that. It just makes things easier. If someone shoots at you, tell me. It would give me a bit more of a realistic perspective on this entire situation and ALSO… wouldn’t you want to know if I got shot at?) The main reason I need to build a bridge and get the fuck over myself is that I chose this. I chose all of it. There isn’t a single thing happening in my life right now that I couldn’t have avoided by making different decisions, but the truth is I would be lost without these kids and I’d be lost without Scott and I would rather put up with all of this bullshit to have them in my life than comfortably working a 9 to 5 and punching out at the end of the day and TRULY being alone. I’ll be sticking around for a very very long time, and I refuse to let this deployment break me. I love Scott more than I hate the BS. Scott is the most worth-it guy I’ve ever met in my life and I’m thankful that he’s my husband.