When the rumors started circulating about deployment I started getting nervous… among other things since I was most definitely knocked up. I began to wonder if I could actually survive this thing. What do I do when I wonder about something? I google it.

Google told me that deployment will suck for all parties involved. I like that about Google. Google doesn’t sugar coat things. Apparently there’s an emotional cycle that you go through during a deployment. Basically, things are supposed to be pretty craptastic for the first month, then you are supposed to get your routines established and you gain a sense of confidence, then you get nervous and excited about the homecoming.

Here’s the deal. It’s been two and a half months since Scott left, and there are no established routines, I still don’t feel confident in my skills, and I am still a bit wary of whether I will be alive when Scott comes home. The children might eat me.

However, I’d like to report that today for a short bit of time (maybe several hours in the morning) I felt an emotion that I haven’t felt in QUITE A WHILE. Happiness. WHEW! It wasn’t long-lived, but it was there… and just being reminded that there is happy out there somewhere was so very relieving. I’ve been faking it so long that I didn’t even know if I’d ever actually feel the real thing again. It’s there, folks. Happiness is still alive and well. It didn’t disappear from the world, it’s just been hiding from me. I know some people think you can choose your own mood. I don’t really believe that’s true. You can choose to fake a mood. You can choose the words you use. You can choose to smile. However, in my experience, if you aren’t happy, you just aren’t happy. No faking can fix that. Maybe your baby can smile for the first time and feelings of wonder and awe can hit you like a lightning bolt, but if you aren’t happy… you still won’t be happy.

I felt like the world had color, today. I switched gears from “Survival Mode” to “Enjoy”. Lets hope things stay this way.

Advertisements