Most of my friend’s husband’s are also deployed or are about to. Because of this, none of us have our husbands here to make us feel beautiful and sexy. During a deployment is when (mostly everyone I know right now) decided it’s time to work on our bodies. I’ve been doing okay. I DID binge on chocolate this last week and I admittedly have a soda every once in a while when I can no longer ignore my craving for the caffeinated fizzy sugar syrup, but I’ve not been overeating and I’ve been drinking TONS of water and I’ve been adding even more activities to my already busy self, in order to become slim and trim to salvage my self-esteem while my husband is gone.

My friend Elizabeth came over to work out with me this morning. It was a really good one. My entire body was feeling the burn, I was sweating gallons and my heart was happily beating all the ho-hums out of my attitude. I felt so good.

I picked Jacob up from school today and I mentioned that I worked out this morning and his reply was “You don’t look any skinnier.” Well, that hurt just a tiny bit as I’ve been feeling like I’m shaping up nicely, lately. Well, there goes that! The next hour with him was peppered with such lovely comments as “You look pregnant.”, “Your arms are HUGE!”, “You look really not skinny.” and he topped it off with “HAHA! When I look at you with the reflection in the mirror you ACTUALLY look skinny, but then when I look at you, I see that you are truthfully fat.”

I may have lost it at this point. (When I say “may have” I mean “most definitely”.)

“Why are you being so mean to me?! I’ve been asking you to stop saying things like this to me for the last hour, and you are still doing it! It hurts my feelings and I’m THISCLOSETO crying right now! Do you think I don’t wake up every morning and pull my massive body out of bed and think that life would be much better if I were smaller and healthy? Do you think I’m not reminded daily of my weight? Do you think I love looking like this and hearing these comments from you? Stop being mean to me!”

The response to this made me more angry than anything he had said to me up to this point.

“I’ll try.”

Oh LORD  the floodgates opened and my inner demon came out. It’s all a blur the things that were said/yelled/screamed/thought from that point until we actually got home. I know that it started out with the classic line “You’ll…. TRY?! ” and ended with both of us crying.

Knowing that I needed someone to bring me back from the edge, I called my sister. She saves my life. Almost everyday I call her to discuss my worries and situations. It keeps her life interesting and it keeps me sane. It’s a win/win deal we have going on here.

She was busy. How dare she have a social life! How dare she not be available for my every emotional breakdown?

I ended up ignoring Jacob for two hours.

Eventually I recognized that he wasn’t doing it to be mean. He was just observing out loud as he does everyday, all day. I used this as a learning opportunity.

“Did you see the way I reacted to those comments? …Well, every woman will always respond like that.”

More was said. “sorry” and “forgive” were the most important ones.

My wound is still there, but it feels a little bit better.

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