All day Jacob has had an attitude with me. He’s been more moody than usual and he actually cried at dinnertime. I couldn’t get him to calm down so I sent him to his room for a breather. I felt that maybe he was getting a little bit overstimulated with the baby fussing and Christina and Aden singing nursery rhymes at the top of their lungs. So after about 5 minutes I went up to Jacob’s room with him and he was still crying.

It was a heartbreaking cry. After I got him to cheer up by acting like a goof for all of about 10 minutes we had a conversation. It went like this:

Me: Jacob, you’ve been upset all day. What’s going on in your head?
Jacob: Nothing. I’m just sad.
Me: Why would you be sad?
Jacob: Dad’s gone and I miss him.
Me: I miss him too.
Jacob: Yeah, but I don’t think you know what I know about dad.
Me: …I’m a bit confused. What are you talking about?
Jacob: Dad is probably going to die.
Me: Well, I just don’t think that’s the truth. Where did you hear that?
Jacob: Someone at school told me that their dad is where my dad is at and that they both will probably die.
Me: I think your friend was misinformed. Your dad is safe.
Jacob: Yeah, but I haven’t seen him in so long and I want to see him before he dies. I would also tell him that I miss him and I love him.
Me: *blank* *I have NO idea what to say to that* Jacob, your dad is safe, and don’t you think he’s a good soldier?
Jacob: Yeah. I’ve seen him shoot a gun before!
Me: Yep! He knows his job, and he’s good at it! He’s gone through a LOT of training just so that he knows how to do his job well and avoid situations that are very dangerous, and if he DOES find himself in a dangerous situation, he’s been through a LOT of training so that he knows how to safely get out of it.
Jacob: I miss him.
Me: Me too. He doesn’t want to be away from us, but he is doing it so that we are taken care of here at home. Does that make sense?
Jacob: Not really, but every time you explain it to me I still don’t understand it. I’m hungry, though.

…and so we went back to eat our food.

I have no idea what I’m doing here. Sometimes I feel like I’m actually up the creek without a paddle. I’ve gotten myself into something that I just don’t know how to maneuver. I miss Scott so badly. I needed him there in that room with me, because I can’t comfort someone who’s got the same issues that I am facing and still haven’t figured out. Everything I said was reassurance to myself more than anything. I’m glad it helped Jacob, but it didn’t really work for me.

Maybe some help from someone? How do I do this? How do I discuss these things with my kids? I can’t say “He’s not going to die.”, because we don’t know that.

Scott, if you’re reading this: know that we miss you terribly. We all worry about you, and we love you more than words could ever say. I need your help back home, so you’d better come back safely.